Hire Me Grantland Holds A Fantasy Draft: Who Is Doug Martin?, #FantasyBabies, Tim Tebow Inevitably Gets Drafted

September 5, 2012 11:44 am 1 comment

The Hire Me Grantland staff picked their fantasy teams on Tuesday. Whose do you like? And who the fuck is Doug Martin?

On Tuesday (a full 24 hours before the NFL season!) the HMGL staff, plus the Editor in Chief’s dad, gathered for its first annual fantasy draft.

Below are the results, chat-room gems and analysis of the best and worst picks of each round:

Chat Room Gems:

Justin (Truf): [After Rodgers pick] Game, set, match, bitches.

Neal (Punny): Who is Doug Martin?

Justin’s Take:

Best Pick: Drew Brees. Passing TD’s are worth six points in this league, which means Brees will pump out points just like Brady and Rodgers. Except Brees was the seventh overall pick. Great value.

Worst Pick: Chris Johnson. Sure, D-Mac is an injury risk injury certainty, and Matt Forte is recovering from surgery, but Chris Johnson just plain sucked last season.

My Pick: Aaron Rodgers. It was a shitty year to have the first overall pick, but hard to argue against the consensus best quarterback in a QB-centric league.


Ford (ADoubleDwayneBowe): VICK????

Mike (FlaccoForHeisman): I hate myself. Going all or nothing.

Ford’s take: 

Best Pick: Larry Fitzgerald at No. 19? How? Who made this pick, Daniel Ocean?

Worst Pick: Michael Vick will be a fantasy monster (for three of the six games he’s healthy)!

My Pick: It was a tough call between Fitzgerald and Matthew Stafford, but I went with the sixth 5,000-yard passer in history over Kevin Kolb’s No. 1 target.


Neal (Punny): Guys, seriously, who the hell is Doug Martin?

Ford (DwayneBowe): Could have called Neal’s pick 3 months ago.

Neal (Punny): Don’t see why people are so high on Julio Jones. Kid had 900 yards last year.

Neal’s Take:
Best Pick: Maurice Jones-Drew. Obviously. Getting him in the third round is a steal, though he is a Jaguar, so that means whoever picked him has to follow the Jags. In my opinion — not worth winning the league at that cost.
Worst Pick: Julio Jones. Why does everyone think he’s a top-five WR again? He had 959 yards and 8 TDs last year.
My Pick: Brandon Marshall. You choose your team, you follow and invest in your team, so if you choose people you don’t want to do well you’re a fool. I’m a Bears fan, I’ve got high hopes for Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall reuniting. Worth jumping the gun.


Ford (DwayneBowe): Steven Jackson quickly becomes my least favorite pick of all time.

Badders (Suh): Jackson is a silent assassin, though. Gets his yards, snags a TD, breaks a leg about every season. You know, there’s something to say for consistency.

Mike’s take: 

Best pick: Greg Jennings. He went to Western Michigan, one of the few schools my beloved Michigan Wolverines beat down every few years, raising my expectations to National-Championship levels. Then I’m heartbroken by cheaters from down south. I hate Nick Saban.

Worst pick: Pierre Garcon. I don’t like that Pierre will be relying on a rookie quarterback. I don’t like that Pierre only caught TD’s in three games last season. I don’t like that Pierre has a weird “C” in his last name. Oh, and the Yahoo! masses picked Pierre, on average, in the middle of the ninth round. Yikes.
My pick: Percy Harvin. Harvin averaged 100+ yards and a touchdown over the last seven weeks last season. Also, if there is any injury that’s only in your head, it’s migraines. (I’ll be here all day, folks.)


Ford (DwayneBowe): There was our first egregious homer pick, as my dad picks Garcon in the fifth …

Dash (Henne): I feel like the more drafts you do, the worse your teams get.

Badder’s Take: 

Best Pick: Doug Martin. Three words: Doug. Effing. Martin. AKA the Jeremy Lin of this draft.

Worst Pick: Brandon Lloyd. Lloyd is new to the Patriots’ offense and we saw what happened last year (Ocho Free Agento) with a new receiver in the mix. Lloyd is a gamble that should have been made two or three rounds later.

My pick: Marques Colston is the best receiver the Saints have, and with the departure of Robert Meachem he may be seeing even more targets this year. The downside is he is a receiver in the saints stable of pass catchers.

Neal (Punny): Let’s get real, none of the last 10 RB’s are worth a cent.

Neal (Punny): … Except Doug Martin.

Ford (DwayneBowe): Decker is a good speculative pick.

Dash (Henne): If he can catch a pass from Tebow, he can dodge a ball.

Ford’s take:

Best pick: This was an unusually solid round. But Frank Gore is about as solid as you can get in Round Six, especially at RB.

Worst pick: Too high for Aaron Hernandez. With Vernon Davis and others still on the board, I can’t justify drafting a No. 2 tight end.

My pick: Dwayne Bowe is not only underrated, but has been the namesake of my team for two years. Love him in Round Six.


Justin (Truf): When Finley and Rodgers hook up, they’ll make me sweet fantasy babies.

Ford (Dwayne): #FantasyBabies

Dash’s Take: 

Best Pick: Think my pick, DeSean Jackson, will end up being the best here (unless he decides not to try again this year).  Other than that, I like the value of Tony Romo.  Compare these two stat lines from last year:

Player A: 4177 yards, 29 TDs, 12 INTs

Player B: 4184 yards, 31 TDs, 10 INTs

Player A is Matt Ryan, who went two rounds earlier than Tony Romo.  Maybe Ryan was just a shitty pick, but it doesn’t explain why people are so down on Romo.

Worst Pick: Torrey Smith was a bit of a reach (and knowing Ford, I’m pretty sure he yelled “Go Terps!” to himself after the pick).Smith showed flashes of brilliance last year — including a three-touchdown game against the Rams in Week Three.  But take that game away, and he was the No. 52-ranked WR in fantasy.

Badders (Suh): If Flacco’s team was a real team, there definitely would be some sort of murder at a strip club.

Ford (Punny): I highlighted Peyton by accident, started at it for 75 seconds, then assumed it was a sign.

Justin’s Take: 

Best Pick: Peyton Manning. Guess who’s back, back again? Peyton’s back, tell a friend. White rap lyrics aside, the four-time MVP has shown for years that his physical talents are secondary to his cerebral ones. Worst-case scenario Ford wasted an eighth-rounder. Much more likely, he scored a top-5 QB in the 8th round.

Worst Pick: Chicago DEF. This team ranked 14th in scoring last year and has four games against the Packers and Lions (wow it’s weird to be singing Detroit’s praises). Good fantasy defenses pop up out of the blue every year. Why roll the dice in the eighth round?

My Pick: BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Finally arisen from the RB graveyard in New England, the Law Firm will have a chance to be the feature back in an offense on the rise. A 1,000 yard back this late would be a steal.

Ford (DwayneBowe): Ben Tate is just as likely to be Fantasy MVP of 2012 as Arian Foster, in my opinion.
Badders (Suh): Side note: John McEnroe just said “We’re all effing depressed” about the Roddick match getting called.

Best Pick: Robert Meachem. San Diego just lost Vincent Jackson in free agency, and Vincent Brown is on the new half-season IR. Meachem is finally out of the receiver-by-committee game in New Orleans and has had all summer to get in sync with Rivers. Watch out.
Worst Pick: David Akers. Not the only kicker taken in Round Nine. But the other one, Sebastian Janikowski, could beat me to a pulp. So, I say Akers.
My Pick: Darrius Heyward-Bey. Sure, this isn’t the kind of pick that will pan out to be a top-five wide receiver, but he’s showed steady improvement over his three-year career (975 yards last season).
(Ed’s note: Go Terps.)


Neal (Punny): Anyone watching the Convention? Wrong audience?

Badders (Suh): Michelle looks dashing. I’d have #FantasyBabies.

Neal’s Take:
Best Pick: Mason Crosby. Yeah, my pick. What’s more valuable, the second best kicker or the 40th best running back? I’ll start Crosby each week.
Worst Pick: Jason Hanson. A kicker? In round 10? Seriously? Way too early.
(Ed’s note: Read those again.)


Ford (DwayneBowe): Pretty sure the “Michael Bush Handcuff” is the sexual position of the month in Cosmo.

Neal (Punny): Matt Schaub: Third-best Matt, but arguably the best Schaub in the league at the position.

Badders (Suh): Can’t believe Ocho is still on the board.

Mike’s take:
Best pick: Houston DST. They play the Titans twice! The Jaguars twice! The Colts twice! Also, I think I think Peter King really likes them. That’s good enough for me.
Worst pick: Ben Roethlisberger. Fuck the Steelers!
My pick: Philadelphia DST. The Eagles led the league in sacks last year. Those four-letter words are worth two points in this league (I read the rules for once), so I was happy they were still around after half the league had already picked defenses.


Ford (DwayneBowe): Who the fuck is Jacquizz Rodgers?

Dash (Henne): I feel like Jacquizz’s ranking is boosted a little by his name.

Ford (DwayneBowe): Isn’t the “jacquizzinator” what Onterrio Smith used to piss at the airport?

Badders’ Take: 

Best Pick: Michael Bush. Matt Forte is bound to get injured through the course of the season after his knee surgery. By snagging Bush here, Punny deprives Double DwayneBowe of his safety net.

Worst Pick: Randy Moss. If there were to be a worst pick in round-12, the round of “ehhhh maybe this guy will break out?” sentiments, Moss wins the tight race. Round 12 was the round of good-bad picks and bad-bad picks. I don’t like Boldin because he has a game manager throwing to him. I don’t like Holmes because he has Sanchez/Tebow! throwing to him. Of the bad-bad picks, Moss tops the list.

My decision: I needed a QB that could handle the job in case Philip Rivers’ season starts to go south. Andy Dalton, with AJ Green as his main weapon, fills that need. Am I sold on the sophomore ginger sensation? Not entirely, but of the ones left on the board he seemed the best one.


Jones (Bollers): Benson is Emmitt Smith compared to the RB’s left on the board.

Ford (DwayneBowe): Blaine Gabbert is maybe the third-best quarterback out of the 10 of us.

Neal (Punny): I have two sleepers that are going to make you shit your pants.

Ford’s take: 

Best pick: I love the Cedric Benson pick here. He may well be the starting running back for the NFC Champions, yet he went behind guys like Toby Gerhart and Beanie Wells.

Worst pick/My pick: Santana Moss. I blacked out here and talked myself into thinking Moss would probably end up the No. 2 receiver on the Redskins, which, even if it was true, means he is completely worthless in fantasy. Moss probably got taken in a total of three drafts across Yahoo!, ESPN and Sportsline.


Jones (Bollers): If the Rays hold on, the Orioles are going to be in first place in 40 minutes.

Justin (Truf): I feel like Randy Quaid in Major League 2: ”They’ll blow it in the playoffs.”

Jones (Bollers): How can you root against the Orioles? That’s like booing at the Special Olympics.

Dash’s Take: 

Best Pick: I like Russell Wilson this late in the draft. In his first preseason start, he led his team to a 44-14 win with two TDs, 185 passing yards, and 58 rushing yards.  If Cam Newton can have a rookie reason that catapults him into the second round of fantasy drafts, why can’t Wilson?

Worst Pick:  I don’t really get why you would take the Cincinnati DST.  They finished 12th last year in overall points and are only owned in 25 percent of all Yahoo! leagues. Really though, we all blew it in this round, somehow missing the great Tim Tebow was still on the board.

Gems (Tim Tebow Bonus Round):
Ford (DwyaneBowe): LOLOLOL
Badders (Suh): OH NO HE DIDN’T
Justin (Truf): Great fantasy locker room guy, no doubt.
Neal’s Take:
Best Pick: Tim Tebow. If God does have a rooting interest in football, then Tebow is going to be scoring touchdowns. Isn’t that a flier worth taking in the 15th round?
Worst Pick: Tim Tebow. Dude can’t throw passes.
Follow the Hire Me Grantland Fantasy Football League all season right here on HMGL. Read Matt Ford’s fantasy primer which was rejected by Grantland here. Or bring it on home. 

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Other News

  • Unnecessary Sports Podcast

    Unnecessary Sports Podcast Returns!

    Matt and Neal talk NBA free agency in the return of the pod! Listen to their recap of the Eastern conference here. Then check out their recap of the Western conference, plus a few random predictions here.

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Podcasts Sports HMGL Super Bowl Recap: Podcast/Hangout

    HMGL Super Bowl Recap: Podcast/Hangout

    Justin, Neal and Matt put the Super Bowl in context: How good are the Ravens compared to other SB winners? Is Joe Flacco a top-5 quarterback? What is the next step with PED testing in the NFL?

    Once again, sports fans were treated to a memorable Super Bowl. The Ravens were thinking blowout until the blackout — did that affect their momentum? — and then the 49ers came all the way back to ultimately fall just short.

    Meanwhile, reverberations of Ray Lewis’ alleged use of PED’s forced sports fans to consider their values — does PED use really matter to us?

    And Joe Flacco emerged from a historic playoff run as an unquestioned franchise quarterback (what?).

    Hear our thoughts below, and enjoy Matt’s three solid minutes of embarrassing technical confusion at the beginning.

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Sports NFL Playoff Team fantasy draft: Justin, Matt and Neal’s standings

    NFL Playoff Team fantasy draft: Justin, Matt and Neal’s standings

    Note: This piece refers to the playoff draft on the last HMGL podcast. If you didn’t listen to it, check it out here.

    Wild Card Weekend Standings:

    (+1 point for advancing to the divisional round)

    Justin (3) — DEN +1, GB +1, BAL+1, IND 0
    Possible this week: 4 points (DEN/BAL, GB)
    Worst-case: 2 points (DEN/BAL) win, GB loses

    Matt (3) — NE +1, ATL+1, Hou+1, Cincy 0
    Possible this week: 4 points (NE/HOU, ATL)
    Worst-case: 2 points (NE/HOU) win, ATL loses

    Neal (2) — SF +1, SEA +1, WAS 0, MIN 0
    Possible this week: 4 points (SF, SEA both win)
    Worst-case: 0 points (SF, SEA both lose)

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Power Rankings Sports Ranking The NFL’s Hottest And Most Dangerous Teams: Playoffs 2012

    Ranking The NFL’s Hottest And Most Dangerous Teams: Playoffs 2012

    By Matt Ford

    Better to be lucky than good.

    Or, more like it, better dangerous than solid.

    So who is the most dangerous team entering the 2012 NFL Playoffs?

    Category One: The Psy “Gangnam Style” Award for “Congrats for Making It To The Big Time! But Now That You’re Here, You’re Going Away Quickly.”

    Category Two: The Kwame Brown Award for “Just Look At Them! They Have To Be Better Than They’re Playing”

    Category Three: The Looking At The Google Analytics Of HireMeGrantland.com Award for “Why Is No One Impressed By Us?”

    Category Four: The Mumford and Sons Award for “Everyone Thinks We’re Underrated, But We’re Actually Overrated”

    Category Five: The 2007 LeBron James Award for “We’re playing … him? Uh Oh.”

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Sports Hire Me Grantland Podcasts Are Up

    Hire Me Grantland Podcasts Are Up

    Without further ado: Matt and Justin’s discussion of the NFL playoff picture leading into the end of the regular season, with special guest Neal Suidan.

    All you have to do is click here and click “Listen” or “Download” once you get to our hosting site.

    Our first post is about the NFC Playoff picture leading into last week’s games. Listen to how wrong we were about San Francisco after last night’s result, Neal’s analysis of his hometown Bears (and Bulls), Matt’s pipe-dream of a Redskins playoff run and more.

    Our next pod is about the AFC, but includes a bonus round of which coaches should get fired (and Matt’s prediction of Chip Kelly to Carolina that he has been patting himself on the back for ever since), and Neal trying to Beautiful Mind his way through the muddy AFC North playoff picture. Justin’s breakdown of the Raiders, fortunately for you all, was omitted due to “microphone problems.”

    Shortly, these episodes will be available on the iTunes store (Apple has to screen them first before they unleash our idiocy on the unwashed masses).

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Sports Sports Betting Justin Elliott Would Not Win The Las Vegas Supercontest: Week 15 (Video)

    Justin Elliott Would Not Win The Las Vegas Supercontest: Week 15 (Video)

    (Nothing like a winless week to really make you want to show your face on camera.)

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Sports Sports Betting Justin Elliott Would Not Win The Las Vegas Supercontest: Week 14 (Video)

    Justin Elliott Would Not Win The Las Vegas Supercontest: Week 14 (Video)

    Justin Elliott’s Week 14 picks… on our NEW YouTube channel!!!

    Read more →
  • Featured Stories NFL Sports Is RGIII the Most Valuable Player… In Sports?

    Is RGIII the Most Valuable Player… In Sports?

    By Matt Ford

    Watching RGIII as a rookie is like the first time you heard OK Computer, or saw Louis CK’s standup a few years ago, or watched Barack Obama in the 2004 Democratic Convention. “Holy shit!” you think. “Do people know about this yet?”

    You form a special kind of relationship with an entertainer, athlete or politician after an experience like that — you realize: “Hey, this guy could be the real deal, and I think I just saw history.” Often, I find I become invested in people like that, rooting for history just to say in a few years, “I was there…”

    RGIII to the rescue. He is, by many accounts, the most exciting player in the league. He draws friendly fans to FedEx Field. His value to a shrinking fan base is unspeakable. It’s hard to root against him, even if your team is playing against him.

    Robert Griffin III has revitalized one of the most valuable franchises in the world. The value of hope is what Griffin brings to the table, in addition to all those other tangible assets.

    Read more →